Joan Rivers Dead At 81: Hilarious Quotes & Famous One Liners, ‘At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents’

By on
Joan Rivers Leaves A Huge Legacy/File photo/REUTERS/LUCAS JACKSON
Comedian Joan Rivers leaves a will which also mentions her four pet dogs.File photo/REUTERS/LUCAS JACKSON REUTERS/LUCAS JACKSON

Dead at 81, legendary comedienne Joan Rivers passed away on Thursday, Aug. 4, surrounded by family and friends. After crashing the male-dominated world of late-night talk shows, Rivers is a force to be reckoned with as she turned Hollywood red carpets into a walk of shame for worst dressed celebrities.

Known for writing her own material, Rivers went into cardiac arrest and was hospitalized on Aug. 28 after doing a routine throat procedure. After numerous surgeries, Joan's unapologetic humour and wit remained "vibrantly raw and unruly" as she works non-stop despite her age.

Daughter Melissa Rivers announced her death when she passed peacefully at 1:17 P.M. in Mount Sinai Hospital. The family left by the late comedienne is currently overwhelmed by the outpouring of prayers, love and support from people whose lives were touched by the talk show host.

Many of her colleagues in the comedy world paid tribute to Joan as they all hailed her as an icon who paved the way for female comics. Comediennes who made their tributes include Sarah Silverman, Lena Dunham, Tina Fey, Busy Philipps, Nia Vardalos, Fran Dresher and Ellen DeGeneres.

No one is safe from Joan Rivers' jokes that even herself couldn't escape it. Here are some of Joan Rivers' hilarious quotes and famous one liners.

 "At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents."

"I don't exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor."

"I was born in 1962 ... and the room next to me was 1963."

"I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had the kid."

"I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to start all over again."

"A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again."

"You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it."

"Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa, you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'"

"My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark."

"Did you hear Tom Cruise just had a baby? He was there when it was born ... he should have been there when it was conceived."

"I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, 'Marry him. You'll double your wardrobe.' "

"My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day."

"All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window."

"I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge."

"I've learned: When you get older, who cares? I don't mince words, I don't hold back. What are you gonna do to me? Fire me? It's been done. Threaten to commit suicide? Done. Take away my show? Done! Not invite to me to the Vanity Fair party? I've never been invited!"

"The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage."

Join the Discussion