Punxsutawney Phil In Agreement With Buckeye Chuck, Staten Island Chuck; Evidence Of A Groundhog Day Cult Controlling Humans?

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By Jeff Stone | February 3, 2013 6:52 AM EST

Conspiracy theorists trying to warn the world about a New World Order, the Illuminati or where President Obama was born may now have to reckon with the National Groundhog League, which seems to have brainwashed the masses into believing that furry rodents control the weather.

Punxsutawney Phil, leader of the National Groundhog League's Groundhog Day cult, may have convinced most of his fellow groundhogs to conspire to put one over on the American people by claiming to predict an unusually early spring for 2013. The chief prognosticator’s message began in rural Pennsylvania and echoed across the land, and it was eventually acknowledged by Staten Island Chuck, Buckeye Chuck, Wiarton Willie and Woodstock Willie. Each of those groundhogs failed to see its own shadow on Saturday morning, to the applause of cheering fans.

However, there may have been dissent among the National Groundhog League's ranks as Sir Walter Rally and Gen. Beau Lee both predicted a hellish six-week winter extension for North Carolina and Georgia, respectively.

When Gen. Beau Lee saw his shadow, the Atlanta crowd (estimated to be nearly 400-strong) made an audible cry of disappointment. Dr. Flavia Mullens, an invited guest to the ceremony, told Patch she hoped it would be a “nice winter” with only a little bit of snow.

“I just think there’s nothing quite as special as a snowy day in the South,” Mullens said, while refusing to speculate how Punxsutawney Phil would punish Gen. Beau Lee for his insubordination. “So I think we’re entitled to one of those.”

Punxsutawney Phil’s ancestors began predicting the weather over a century ago in 1887. Groundhog forecasts for an early spring have occurred only 16 times since the first Groundhog Day took place 100 years ago, while Groundhog prognostications for an extended winter occurred 99 times. Records were reported missing for nine occasions, adding to the widely celebrated day's intrigue.

The Associated Press, possibly one of Punxsutawney Phil’s propaganda outlets, noted that the Goundhog's handlers refer to him as the “seer of seers” and the “sage of sages.”

Ohio residents were grateful to escape Phil’s wrath when their local overlord, Buckeye Chuck, failed to see his own shadow at 7:39 a.m. on Saturday morning. Claire Moratta was among the children who were on hand to witness the annual climate ritual.

“I’ve wanted to come here for years,” Moratta told Ohio’s Newark Advocate. “I wanted to see Buckeye Chuck since I was also born on Groundhog Day.”

We may never know what the groundhogs demands are as humans are still unable to communicate with groundhogs verbally, and now the woodland creature seems like it will avoid making comments to the press for the next 364 days. That might be just how they like it.

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